How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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