I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
