I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
