So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
