hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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