I can text with my tongue
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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