Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
