Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
