I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
