Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
