let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
