Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
