apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
