I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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