Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
