my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
