I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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