Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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