Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
