It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
