thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
