So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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