i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
