in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
