her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
