margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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