If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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