Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
