Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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