Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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