My Higher Power is John Stamos
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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