While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
