YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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