so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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