capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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