Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
