Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
