when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You're like the curious george of whores
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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