hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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