well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
