Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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