So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
