Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm too high and old for this...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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