I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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