She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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