ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
