My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
