Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
