Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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