where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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