i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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