I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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