Got a toothbrush?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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