She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
