Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
