I hate all girls vehemently.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
