I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
