hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
