Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
